


Drown my Past in Grey

by HamHamHeaven



Series: Greyscale [13]
Category: Jrock, LUNA SEA, X JAPAN
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Color Blindness, Colorblind Soulmate AU, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:58:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamHamHeaven/pseuds/HamHamHeaven
Summary: Some people don't believe in soulmates... even people who have them.





	Drown my Past in Grey

**Author's Note:**

> For the DW vkyaoi community September "Behind Closed Doors" challenge - incorporate something taking place clandestinely or without public knowledge. Didn't manage the secondary challenge in this one (an actual closed door of some kind involved in the plot).  
> 

Someone is going to be fired. 

Possibly several someones.

There are _rules_ about this sort of thing.  Questions that everyone knows reporters are _not_ permitted to ask.  Employees who schedule interviews and press conferences are _supposed_ to thoroughly screen all questions beforehand so this sort of thing doesn’t happen.

But somehow….

“Have you met your soulmate yet, Yoshiki-san?”

The words are barely out of the young woman’s mouth, suspended in mid-air like a partially-deflated helium balloon, before the rest of the reporters and all nine of the other interviewees draw a collective breath of alarm.  The target of the inquiry turns an unflattering shade of apoplectic purple under the collar even as he smiles – a cold smile that terrifies nearly everyone in the room.  Yoshiki is famous for his temper, and they all expect him to unleash it at the hapless reporter.

In fact, she seems to be the _only_ one unaware of just how badly she has blundered.

“I don’t buy into soulmate propaganda,” he sniffs contemptuously, his tone making it clear he considers the matter closed.

The matter isn’t closed.  Apparently, she’s no more adept at deciphering tone than at reading facial expressions.

“Ah, so you _haven’t_ met her yet,” she surmises excitedly.  “I thought as much, since your lyrics fail to mention soulmates ever.”

“Oh shit,” Toshi mutters behind his hand.  “Don’t you know better than call his lyrics a failure, for gods’ sake?”

“Get that microphone away from her before this blows up!” hisses Hide at the nearest staff member.

“Too late,” Pata predicts.

“No, I have never met a figment of my imagination,” snaps Yoshiki.  “And the day I _do_ will be the day they have me committed to a mental institution.”

“Next question?” Ryuuichi suggests.  “I’m sure many of you want to know specifics about this collaborative effort of ours.”

That’s what they’ve assembled for, after all – to discuss X’s joint album with Luna Sea and the massive world tour they are co-headlining.  It’s a monumental project, and the musicians had been eager to provide details after keeping everything under wraps for so long.  But the Pandora’s box, as they say, has been opened.  The topic of colour has been broached now, and there’s no turning back.

“Do the rest of you agree with Yoshiki-san about the idea of soulmates being propaganda believed only by the weak-minded?” the next to receive the mic inquires.

“I don’t think this is an appropriate subject for….” J tries to intervene, only to be interrupted.

“Not all of us agree with him, no,” Sugizo answers quietly.

The room fills with an awkward silence while the members of X wait to see if their founder is going to storm from the room.  Nothing happens... and that almost makes it worse.

“Let’s move on,” begs Ryuuichi. “You’d all like to know about tour dates, wouldn’t you?”

Conversation resumes.  Yet for the remainder of the questions and through the photoshoot that follows, Yoshiki maintains conspicuous muteness.  If the bank of photographers were hoping for _any_ concept other than pissed-off rock god, no one dares to say so.  Nor does anyone argue when he snarls “We’re done here” after only 10 minutes of posing.

Everyone watches the irate genius storm off.  Only a select few notice who follows him.

~~~~

Sugizo isn’t particularly impeded when the door to the flat is slammed in his face.  He’s had his own key for ages, and is the only one who has figured out how to change the security codes.  Maybe he should have taken the long way back to give their tempers time to cool, but at the moment he’s in the mood to have it right out, even if it comes to fisticuffs.

_Wouldn’t be the first time._

He steps into the genkan and removes his shoes, torn between annoyance and satisfaction as he hears Yoshiki stomping and banging around in the room beyond.  Irritation wins when he enters the main room and sees that the music notation sheets he had stacked neatly on the table scattered across the floor to make space for a bottle of alcohol, a bucket of ice, and a tall glass full of liquor.

“You know for someone who is about to turn 50, you are painfully immature sometimes,” he observes from the doorway.

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion,” retorts Yoshiki sharply, glowering at him over the rim of his glass.

“Well, maybe you _should_ have, because you’re going to have to issue one hell of a retraction tomorrow.”

Yoshiki’s scowl deepens.

“Fuck retractions!  I didn’t say anything I didn’t mean.”

“You called tens of thousands of our fans delusional and mentally ill!”

“If the shoe fits….”

Sugizo carelessly throws himself into the seat opposite, long limbs bumping into the table.

“Do you _want_ this tour to fail?” he demands.  “All of the time and effort the ten of us have put into this project – you’re willing to throw that all away for your ego?!”

Yoshiki gives a dismissive wave.

“Nothing is being thrown away, and my ego is irrelevant.”

“You _cannot_ seriously believe that the fans are going to just accept that….”

“What I cannot believe,” Yoshiki interrupts, “Is that we’re having this argument again.  I do not believe in soulmates.  I have _never_ believed in soulmates.  This is not new information… to you _or_ the fans.  And I will not _pretend_ to change my mind on the subject just to accommodate people who can’t handle reality.”

“Reality,” scoffs Sugizo, “According to _you_.”

“According to all available data and common sense!” Yoshiki bristles.  “There _is_ no magical The One waiting somewhere in the universe for everyone.  What make a marriage or a partnership or even a friendship succeed are common interests and shared goals and hard fucking work!  There is no shortcut.  There is no red thread.  There are people who _make_ a future together and people who don’t.  End of story.”

“But colours!” Sugizo insists.

“Are the result of socially-constructed cognitive biases.”

Sugizo heaves a sigh and leans forward, stealing the glass away so that he can drain its remaining contents.

“I am _not_ a figment of your imagination, thank you very much,” he grumbles indignantly.

“I never said you were.”

“Yes, you did!  You sat up there and fucking _lied_.  It’s a slap in the face when you deny me like that in front of everyone.  You _have_ met me, and I _am_ real.  You don’t get to feign otherwise just because we might sell a few more albums if fans think you’re ‘available’.”

“That has nothing to do with it,” Yoshiki contradicts.  “If it did, we would be hiding Toshi’s and Ryuu-kun’s marriages.”

“We both know that’s different.”

“I am _not_ denying you!” Yoshiki insists, slamming his fist into the cushion next to him.  “If you want me to, I’ll post a goddamned video online right now, telling the whole world you’re my lover.”

“Your lover… but not your soulmate.”

Sugizo sounds so despondent that Yoshiki’s anger finally begins to subside.  The last thing he wants to do is cause the younger man pain.  He moves to kneel at Sugizo’s feet, chin propped on his knee, staring up into the guitarists face.

“You don’t want to be my lover anymore?”

Sugizo ignores the ridiculous question and bends down to steal a heated kiss, threading his fingers into Yoshiki’s silky hair and giving it a gentle tug just the way the older man likes.  Nimble pianist fingers teasing up his inner thigh are exactly the response he hoped for.  Resentment turns to lust, and before either of them quite realizes how, they are tangled together on the floor, skin stuck to sweat-drenched skin – no longer two, but one.  It’s so natural, so easy to forget the world around them and get lost in one another.  Things have always been that way between them.

“How can you say we aren’t soulmates?” murmurs Sugizo afterward.  “I’ve never felt this strong of a connection to anyone but you.  From the very instant we met, it was….”

“Chemistry.”

Sugizo rolls his eyes.

“You don’t believe in Fate, but you believe in chemistry?”

Yoshiki strokes Sugizo’s kiss-swollen lower lip with his thumb.

“When I first saw you, I wanted you… more than I’ve ever wanted anything or anyone in my life – including X.  So my brain, that has heard since I was born that ‘The One’ will bring colour to my world, saw you and said ‘he _has_ to be The One everyone’s been talking about’.  Yes, I believe in colours caused by chemistry, hormones, and psychology.  But mostly, I believe in… choice.

“I will never understand why us meeting and falling in love isn’t enough for you.  Why there has to be some omniscient cosmic power _forcing_ us together in order for what we have to be meaningful to you.  You are mine.  Not because of Destiny or Divine Providence.  Because you _chose_ to be mine, and I chose to be yours.”

Sugizo squirms.  Choice is a beautiful thing, and he is so incredibly grateful that Yoshiki chooses to be in his life.  That out of the thousands of people this brilliant man might claim as his own, it’s Sugizo he wants.

Even so….

“You’re right.  I’m probably never going to be able to make you understand why being acknowledged as your soulmate is so important to me.  You don’t believe in anything bigger than yourself, and that’s fine.  Still, knowing that God or Fate or… whatever it’s called… is on _our_ side?  Wants us to be together.  And no matter how much shit life throws at us, we _can_ make it through because we are _meant_ to be.  That comforts me.  And I’m sorry if you think needing that comfort makes me weak.  Or insane.”

Yoshiki grimaces.

“I… shouldn’t have phrased it that way.”

“No you shouldn’t have.”

“Forgive me?”

Sugizo gazes into his lover’s eyes.  The adoration in them made his chest ache.

“Maybe.  If you actually make a proper apology.”

“I am sorry I implied that your beliefs are the result of mental illness.  And...” he hesitates, “I’m… sorry if you feel that my _lack_ of belief means I don’t love you as deeply as I ought to.”

Sugizo draws him closer for another kiss that becomes two, then five: sweet and slow.

“I’ve never doubted the depth of your feelings behind closed doors,” he murmurs against Yoshiki’s neck.  “I only wish you wouldn’t be so quick to mock the gift we’ve been given.”

For once, Yoshiki suppresses his scepticism, settling for giving his lover a gentle squeeze.

“I love you, my heart.”

“And I love you, soulmate of mine.”  

**Author's Note:**

>  **1)** Title is taken from a lyric in Art of Life. Fic is the result of my Yoshiki muse reacting to Selah's [Thulathi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11890290). You should have heard the insults he was hurling toward Plastic Tree's Ryuutarou for laying claim to what is, he assures me, his. Always!  
>  **2)** Both X and Luna Sea are rock bands in-universe. Taiji did leave X due to a long-standing conflict with Yoshiki about the direction the band should take, and he was replaced by Heath. However, neither Hide nor Toshi ever left the band in this reality. Everyone is alive and (relatively) well, so Sugizo never joined X. Members of both groups have worked on solo and side projects without ever officially going on hiatus. (Similar to what Dir en Grey is actually doing at the moment)  
>  **3)** Hide's name is being capitalized for ease of reading.


End file.
